Start again?

Stopped blogging about my cancer because I find the role given me by cancer and the industry it supports is to be voiceless, compliant and weak. I’m told appreciate poor service, lack of communication and the kind of dismissal complainers receive even when I ask simple questions about my care. But the worst is to be taken as some crazy person who misunderstands the world.

Since I gain no strength or support from the system–only sickness and dismissal–it’s confusing why even bother with this shit? And the answer is that a person learns from every experience, good or bad and nothing is gained by silence. This is what I’m given so maybe writing about it will help.

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Comments

  • jaapsoft2  On December 13, 2014 at 12:20 AM

    Only a “fool” may say the truth, that most people dont see.

    • scottx5  On December 13, 2014 at 12:54 PM

      Hi Jaap, funny but when I talk to people about there being a shortage of imagination or empathy in the world they object strongly and then give examples of what they “believe” but don’t practice. Believing is becoming a substitute for the vulnerability acting and I think it’s crowding the role of imagination as a way of touching the world down to pretending everything works.
      I art school critiques I remember “seeing” things in other people’s that felt like they were entirely some crazy invention of my own mind. On mentioning what I’d seen it would turn out that many of us saw it and it was a common response. I wonder if people are afraid of things that don’t seem right or don’t match common beliefs? That their expression doubt exposes them to a state of not understanding and maybe panic?
      Thanks for mentioning the “fool.” Gives me the idea of introducing myself not as the puffy protector of truth and justice but as an observer with a poor grasp of the rules. As you say, try not to be right:-)

  • Carolyn Jones  On December 18, 2014 at 3:26 AM

    You need to go on commenting Scott – your contacts may not be able to do anything physically to help you – but we DO care about what is happening to you. The medical system only seems to serve its own self interests with those who can be actively treated – and this appears to be a global phenomena. You may feel like ‘a voice in the wilderness’ but you speak for many disenfranchised people who need help and support.
    I’m currently reading ‘The Power of Now’ by Eckhart Tolle. If you think about it – all our anxieties either come from guilt or regrets we may have about aspects of our past – or anxieties about what may or may not happen to us in the future. However, if we live truly ‘in the moment’ as, for example in a meditative or prayerful state – NOT an easy state to achieve BTW – then there is no anxiety whatsoever – only peace. Whatever the future holds in terms of medical interventions for you Scott – I wish you and your family peace at Christmas and the New Year. Take good care of yourselves.
    With love
    Carrie and Derwyn xxx

    • scottx5  On December 18, 2014 at 12:13 PM

      Thanks Carrie and Derwyn:-) My moods swing around a bit and I get lost trying to develop responses to the empty feeling of being actively ignored. I’m just not there for these people who say they are “caring” for me in the medical business and they should cut the phoniness and Auto-Reply mechanism stuck in their head and we can move on.
      Through another conversation I was exploring the idea of trust and I think the word is too loaded. My oncologist used the trust term on me as in “trust between us has broken so I think it’s better for you that I withdraw as your Doctor.” Since the woman has not talked to me since our initial meeting (over 4 months now) I can’t see where trust broke, and by shutting me off there’s no resolution or learning to to be found–just pitch me overboard as someone unworthy of even an exchange of understandings.
      So trust is out as an operative term and I’ll move on to “control” which is something doubly important to patients who are being treated at a distance. Something I KNOW most people don’t understand. And even “control” is not right. I can’t walk away from the conversation and transfer my illness to another patient.

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