Zero Expectations

Time to give up on communication among doctors being passed on to me. Had thought the fancy Cancer Patient Navigator thing would keep me in the loop but it seems she’s so low in the hierarchy, she has less influence than me. And since the medicos at other levels are apparently under orders to never be in contact with me the outside the controlled environment of their office. Where their scripted assurances which vanish like smoke when I leave their presence. It’s drop expectations to zero and ride the shit out on my own.

I believe it will actually be healthier not to bother these “care givers.” Talking to them makes me feel belittled and at fault for having concerns. They break every promise they make and seem entirely unconcerned–how do you deal with people like that?

Some solutions:

Go back to male doctors, females are powerless and daring not to assert themselves make up though-girl stories to make themselves feel powerful but do me any good. To me their stories sound like promises but they aren’t and I get punished in feeling belittled and lied too.

Men may be dumb but at least approachable. Their stories are more transparent and less hurtful because a person need no invest trust in their obvious bullshit. This is way more reliable to me. I can see into the BS and this prevents it from being “personal” which hurts a lot less.

Women are adept in organizational fantasy worlds where everything is a giant game of pretend. Men have other fantasies and self-delusions and maybe I understand them better? When it comes to living or dying it’s better to trust no one–and that’s all it is?

Of course, these are all generalizations but I’ve used up my more reasonable beliefs being sick, fed chemo that makes me sicker and then asking for help and apparently being deliberately ignored.

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