Occurred to me after my last phone call to the System-of-Care agent the I’ve developed a disability in speaking of my illness to others. Part of the problem is always speaking to another person. Each time I call I get another nurse or receptionist and have to start from the beginning and for some reason that disorients me. My cardiologist’s office is like this and the oncologist I’ve seen only once has now moved me to another clinic just when my chemo has put my heart at risk. Ironically, you need to be very together to be ill. It’s hard work.
Unfortunately, when I start to recount my history I get emotional and lose it. Even talking to my home care nurse, who I know pretty well (and she knows my complete history) I lose the ability to talk–literally. (Obviously there’s been little progress in recovery from the last incident with my heart, I’m still a mess). Plus there’s the contradiction of my experience of health care givers being advertised as “there to help” when in fact many seem either careless or actually untrustworthy.
So maybe I’m paranoid but so what? I need these people but also recognize they need me to be cooperative and rational and not some crazy sick person with issues. It confuses and distracts them for me to talk history. It also puts them on the defensive which makes me angry. This combination is not productive in any relationship and I think if wasn’t my life at stake I would have caught on much earlier.
No more history. It’s inappropriate. According to something I read last night contradiction sharpens awareness making it a useful friend.