Apologies for being all ovetr the map on this blog decision but it occured to me last night that it was the wrong decision to allow myself the “drama queen” (as Maha would say) of just walking away into the void. Most important seems a type of obligation a person has to their friends. Haven’t the whole answer to what “obligation” means, though to begin with it isn’t negative. My friends on the net are people I talk to inside my head all the time anyway. I see something Maha or Vanessa might like (or hate) and a silent conversation starts and I realized last night that this is how meaning is made for me. Real or silent contact has been built into a strategy for holding myself together AND as a way to ask hard questions, not just react as if I had a private version of the world that I could turn from or wave away.
So, things are easy or settled–not any more than they have been over the last 8 years. I do have a problem with anxiety that fires up when I’m cornered by health problems and this enhances the stress to the breaking point like last Friday when I stopped blogging. (Will write about the trigger later).
When admitted to the hospital with heart and kidney failure in 2012 I was asked if I wished to be resuscitated if I died. Yes, then a few hours later I went into self-induced shock because the nurse told me they weren’t able to locate my wife Leslie. When someone you love goes “missing”, even though she was only one floor down with her cell phone accidently turned off and not missing at all) everything leaves you like a giant flock of birds and I stopped the breathing their wings flapping within me sustained.
I didn’t die and when I saw Leslie again before surgery she said “promise you’ll come back to me.”