Change of plans. This time I’m somewhat manic with mood swings but way less lost in side effects of extreme illness. In fact the extremity of my panic is induced by previous experience making me sensitive to the absence of change I see in my pre-surgery run-through.
I won’t drag all the stuff out here. Instead I want to focus on learning from this experience. The failings of those treating me are largely a part of a broken system and analysable but not felt.
I’m afraid because I have cancer. What does that feel like? How does it affect my thoughts about almost everything? What am I hiding from? What might be lost in dying? That sounds silly but in the work-up for this procedure I’m told the risk is significant for someone “who has died before and in particular, for an extended amount of time.” Since I’m alive now, and not significantly more fucked up than the years as an alcoholic, what is death? I remember darkness, dream-like images and having it all narrated by apparently myself but it seemed like an intrusion of consciousness that couldn’t simply shut-up, even to the last moment.
Anyway, this all feels like after the fact analysis and fiddling with reality for philosophical entertainment so I’ll try being attentive to how this actually plays out. I feel a distance or separation from things that needs to be closed somehow to really experience things. Is it possible to reach that point?