The reason I moved my writing / thinking over to my blog (unused and out in the wilderness) was to have some venue for making observations that didn’t have to be de-personalized to fit the kind of dialogue style I sense is appropriate for “public” consumption. So I need this place for myself and am not sure why, but will wait for that to develop.
The main “problem” I’m experiencing is a sense of disappearing as preparations are being made for my 4th major surgery in the last 7 years. The surgery itself is scary enough though maybe more frightening is the banal assurance from the medical people that everything is fine. To their thinking, and based on their experience, this may be entirely true (as far as truth goes between people). So why do I feel like they are not talking to me but to themselves or some simulated “concerned patient” model from their text? Or why should it matter (the big question) why should it matter to ME that I exist as something unique?
As the title says, I’m in the midst of an experience and emotionally all over the place. This is causing me to be unfocused and have ridiculous textual tantrums like declaring I give up or being inconsiderate to family members and my friend Carrie who was trying to be helpful and just got snapped at me in my over-heated mood. Sorry Carrie.
My project here is to explore an intense feeling of being regarded as “not there” by the medical system–who I believe are my model of the world that I feel has abandoned me. Why is it important that there is a “me” inside my body that seems to be breaking down on a regular basis? I’ll try not to overdramatize this but the personal is after all, the personal.