Maha Bali’s blog on Defending the Bully got me thinking about my current thought patterns and the fact that my comments at FB and other people’s blogs are too self-referential or interpretive of raw experience. Not sure why bullying made a connection for me though many things take me down odd pathways–which might also explain why my memory often can’t find its way back to something, no mapping of strategies, just wandering. She also mentioned not being lost in the comment sphere of the blog sphere–being lost is a big part of my life now, lost and unknown.
Starting with medical things. I’m, as usual, adrift. No word from my oncologist since August 13, and after her snippy response to an email stating my observations it seems best to cut her out of so-called Care Team altogether. After a flurry of activity around the aneurism in my heart and a couple of hurry-up CT and Echo scans we are back to no news from the cardiologist. After making two trips to the city at 6 hours driving time each for “vital” CT and echo-cardiogram images I now wait for how long until the results are told to me? Since I’m not allowed to phone them and ask, this goes on the list of unknowns that includes regular delays in my chemo sessions because the drugs are collapsing my ability to clot blood or fend off infection.
Seeing a psychologist with mixed results. There’s a lot of pressure to find “peace” in forgiving others and I just can’t warm up to that. First, all my life there’s been the assumption that happiness and balance are deep virtues. How many books on spirituality have I read? Not sure but remember I grew up in California in the 60′s so let’s say LOTS.
So why does happiness matter? What’s wrong with being a mess? Would it make my life better to be accepted as “normal” by others? This has always been a problem, acceptance over who I seem to be. And this returns to the topic of relationships which is a study that needs more though for later blogs.